Saddness

I seriously need to get myself out of this funk I'm in. I have been so very moody lately and it's starting to affect mine and Sean's relationship. I know what it is and i just have such a hard time talking about because i have trained myself not to. It's just when i do open up i feel like no one is listening to me, and no one understands.

I'm having a really hard time with my Mares Death, and i know she's gone and nothing i will ever do will bring her back. It's been two months now, but i feel like it happened yesterday. Every time i go into her stall i can still picture where i had found her. I know she's in a better place now, and i can come to terms with knowing it was not my fault it was no ones fault, we did what we could. I just miss her, I miss riding her, i miss her kisses and the funny little things she would do. I miss going into the barn at night to bring her in and she would neigh for me, and i just miss those moments i had with her. She brought me so much, she brought such joy into my heart. She gave me the confidence i needed, she was the one i went to when i was sad. I had bonded with her that summer, and i have completed some big milestones with her. Even thought i had let go of her, sometimes i am not sure if i can let go of her fully. I was never good with death, and i don't think i ever will be.

Some may say she was just a horse and that i need to get over this, but to me she wasn't just a horse. She was a big part of my life, and i spent hours with her. She was my baby girl, my princess and i had promised her a forever home.

I think most of these emotions are coming from the fact that i am PMSing (sorry for TMI) and i will be fine in a week, but i just can;t get past the point that i believe no one is understanding me.

I really need to find myself another mare, i know it seems like i'm trying to replace my Girl but i'm not, i'm taking the steps that i need to move on. Which brings me to the fact that i really like this Mare i found, and i really wanna go see her. I have learned a great lesson from this all, and my heart will soon heal, or at least i hope it will.

-Jennifer

Test

I had a test in my Bio 172 class, boy did i mess up on the whole back page. I froze up and could not remember a single thing i studied. Good thing it was not a high pointed Test or that would have really been bad. I really dislike how hard that class is, i mean it's easy to comprehend but his tests are ridiculous, they are so very hard and usually they are worth a lot so it messes with you GPA. College is so much harder the High school, to bad i wasn't warned.

I found another mare that i really like, her name is Melody and she's a Auction Rescue. She's a 15 year old Bay Quarter Horse ad about 15Hands. Hopefully i can convince my parents to allow one more horse on the property while i am selling my gelding. We are set up for two horses, and it really wont be that bad. I still want this other mare i looked at awhile ago, but she's $700 and i really don't have that much money. Which is a shame because this horse is basically everything i have been looking for in a horse. So we shall see what happens. My parents did say to wait till spring and then perhaps we would seriously look for a horse, but i really miss riding. Not that i can't ride my gelding, it's just i don't trust him and we don't really get along. I was supposed to go riding today and put the English saddle on him, but it's way to cold for me and I'm way to tired to deal with his crap. So i guess this weekend i will go over to the Farm and force myself to ride him and get some pictures.

Hopefully with spring and summer i will have better luck selling him since, that is usually when people are looking for horses. Maybe i will get my horse then, so i guess i need to just relax and wait. Patience is not one of my virtues.

Not to many Exciting things have been happening, same ole same ole life i suppose you could say. So that's about it for today. I'm surprised that I'm keeping this updated, hmm guess that's a good thing.

-Jennifer

Snow!

Well this shall be my first official post. Things are going pretty good today, except for the fact that it is snowing. Ugh, is winter over yet? It's been a blizzard since this morning, and I don't expect it to be stopping anytime soon. Not to mention it's freezing for once in the apartment, usually i am roasting. Sean and i had a little fight last night, and I'm still not very happy on what i found out. I know we cannot afford the engagement ring that i want, and i am happy being with him, but apparently he wants to wait a year or two, to get married. I'm not quite sure how i feel about that. It just pisses me off when everything goes right for everyone around me, but it seems things just keep going bad for me.

I'm also still not quite over the death of my mare, and I'm even more ticked of that i can't sell my gelding. I really do think i will be stuck with him forever, it was a big mistake to ever buy him, and an even bigger mistake thinking he was trained enough for me to ride and enjoy. I know it's selfish but sometimes i wish he would have died and not Asinaway. I get so many people interested in him, but no one is willing to give him a chance. Seriously at $500 what is there to lose, he is trainable and I'm sure there are far worse horses out there. I'm just tired and sick of people wasting my time.

I suppose this turned more into a rant then anything else but it feel's good to get my feelings out. I just can't wait till March so i can go to Florida, i so need a vacation.

Well that's all for now. I will update later.

-Jennifer